Who am I, Lord?

The breeze rushed over head, as she frolicked through the leaves. My lungs expanded, as she filled me with life. The sun's warmth touched my cheek as he danced in and out of the trees. The passing stream spoke as it tumbled over the rocks. I felt her midst dampen and cool my skin. The ground beneath me was firm and solid and yet tickled my toes with her blades of grass. Next to me stood the tree strong and outstretched, as life danced about him. I fell to my knees. "Who am I Lord," I said.

Moments before I had stepped out into the midday sun with my guitar strapped to my back. I had started to softly strum and sing to the tree a traditional Navajo prayer. I then felt an interior voice say, "Stop, and listen to how we praise God." In that moment all of creation was praising God through simply being what God had created it to be. It needed no words, no song, or dance, it simply was.

The Word of God, written in creation was calling forth my authentic self, "Who are you, my son?" Franciscan theologian Blessed John Duns Scotus from the 13th century believed each created thing, in its own special way, was the total image of its creator. It expressed not some aspect of God, but his beauty as a whole. Unfortunately, I like other gay men and women learned from an early age to hide our true selves and thus the image we were created in; the image and likeness of God.

I hid because I learned that hiding was a means to survival. Exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you are not psychologically capable of handling it is disabling. I became consumed with the task of hiding this fundamental truth about myself. Every step down the hall, how I spoke, how I sat, how I moved, everything was scrutinized. I lived in constant fear that others would see through my façade. And they did.

Avoidance of shame became the single most powerful, driving force in my life. Consequentially, a struggle with depression and anxiety because of it.  It would be the Word made manifest in nature that would call me to a journey of honesty with myself and others. "Who am I, Lord?" would become my entry point to begin the healing process.  And it is a journey that we must all take regardless of our sexuality.

When we choose to no longer hid our true selves, the journey may also become difficult for our parents, families and friends, too. Our families and friends will experience a wide spectrum of feelings.  It's important to acknowledge these feelings as normal.  They may feel relief, anger, fear, guilt, shame, pride and may mourn.  Allow them the space and freedom to experience these feelings.

Finally, to parents, families and friends of the LGBT community, you need to know, your friend or child did not tell you about their sexuality to hurt you or create distance. They told you out of love and trust with a desire for honesty, intimacy, and closer communication. It is out of respect and love they have told you.  Do not forget that.

Peace and all good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

For more information for Catholic parents trying to cope with the discovery of homosexuality in their adolescent or adult child read the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops pastoral message, "Always Our Children."

Personal Reflection:
Think of a time when you hid or denied your sexuality? How did you feel? Feel free to share your experience in the comment spaces below.