Loving and Living in Denial

"My dream for us was to get married," she said with tears in her eyes. In that moment I was faced with the reality of what living in denial of one's sexuality brings; unbearable pain, suffering, and shame for what I had done. A debilitating depression would soon follow in the weeks to come. Shortly afterwards, I would lose my job; unable to work. These were dark times, but marked the beginning of a conviction that my life needed to change.


"We loved backpacking, hiking and the great outdoors."

Our relationship started as friends. We enjoyed each others company. Shared similar interest. We loved backpacking, hiking, and the great outdoors. We traveled to Alaska and spent two weeks backpacking and kayaking. Our last few days were spent bar hopping, while I wore my favorite T-shirt sharing God's love with others, "Beer is proof, that God loves us, and wants us to be happy! - Benjamin Franklin."

I still recall spending the night in a forest service cabin with her and another friend. I read in the cabin journal to be cautious of the bears, but the real threat were mice.  They were right.  While I  slept I felt the tiny paws of mice all around me.

That is what made this situation so hard. Realizing that the person you loved, was betrayed, and harmed at your hands. Now not only are you dealing with the shame of being gay, but also the shame of hurting someone you care about.  In simply acting as if I weren't gay, I believed maybe I wasn't. I hoped somehow that the dating process would uncover my heterosexuality. I like other gay men learned, it does not. It only brings more confusion and pain.

I felt alone and scared.  I had no one to turn to for help.  In a place of darkness I looked to books of therapist that offered hope in repairing my sexuality.  These books only brought more self-loathing. 

In the end, It would be my mother that would bring comfort, warmth and love to my darkness.  "Your father and I have been talking,  and we feel your struggles with depression stem from the fact that you are gay.  We want you to know, we love you and accept you for who you are."  In that moment life seemed a little brighter.

Peace and all Good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

Download the document: Just the Facts about Sexual Orientation and Youth for more information on the damage caused by Gay Reparative Therapies and Ex-Gay Ministries. 

Personal Reflection:
How did you play it "straight" when you were living in denial of your sexuality?  How did you feel?  Feel free to share your story in the comment spaces below.

Avoiding Shame

Darkness enveloped.  Rain fell.  I stood motionless under the street lamp.  No longer capable of speaking, hearing, or feeling warmth.  "Please Lord, let it end," I said to myself.  "No," was his reply.   Exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you are not psychologically capable of handling is disabling.  I was gay and faced with the undeniable reality that this wasn't going to change, despite mine and other's best efforts.  Depression took hold.

Coping with shame means finding a way - any way - to lessen the feelings of shame.  One of the most drastic means is suicide.  As I shared with you in the last post, [Love One Another] gay youth and young adults are 2 to 3 times more likely to commit suicide.  These are the years when shame is most acute, and we haven't yet learned healthier ways to avoid the devastating aspects of shame.  Our gay children are hit head-on with shame, and it feels overwhelming, and to many, mortally unbearable.

Most of us, including myself, found a less drastic way than suicide to avoid shame.  The first, and undoubtedly the most common way we avoided shame, was to deny our sexuality.  We simply acted as if we weren't gay.  After all, our logic went, if we didn't act gay, maybe we weren't.  My adventures into this strategy will be highlighted in upcoming blogs.  Let's just say this strategy simply brought more grief and shame.  But on the bright side will bring comic relief to this blog.

Let me end this blog on a more serious note...If you, your child, or friend is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please visit the Trevor Project.  The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth.  Watch the below video for an introduction to The Trevor Project.

 

May the Lord bless you and keep you on this journey of faith called life.  May you always know that you are wonderfully and beautifully made in the image and likeness of God and you are good.

Peace and all good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

Personal Reflection:
What were some ways you tried to hide or deny your sexuality?   How did those behaviors make you feel?  Feel free to share your story in the comment spaces below.

Love One Another

Throughout Epiphany, God’s word proclaims Jesus’ mastery over creation.  In the gospel reading for Monday, He can heal the sick.  On Tuesday, we have the multiplication of the loaves and fishes.  On Wednesday, He walks on water.  These miracles demonstrate and remind us of Jesus’ almighty power and how much He emptied himself when He became one with us.  Not as a man, but as an infant. 

The Creator of the world could not walk, talk, or even roll over.  The Second Person of the Blessed Trinity weighed just a few pounds; He shivered, cried, and nursed at His mother’s breast.  The message of Christmas and God's incarnation is shocking. He who created the billions of galaxies with billions of stars, who created the countless creatures of our world, became completely dependent on us for his safety, well-being and nourishment.

It seems almost blasphemous to suggest that God became human. Yet, He did so out of love for us.  A testament to who “I” to who “We” are.   That are goodness far out weights our brokenness.  That we are much more than our sinfulness.  So much so that God placed his trust and faith completely in us.  And given our track record of violence and hatred towards one another, he probably should have feared us. 

Jesus, became one with us, out of love for us, and amazingly as scripture points out, "we must have the same love for one another" (1 Jn 4:11).  One of the great Christian apologists of our time, G.K. Chesterton, once wrote a parable to illustrate this point: 

“A man who was entirely careless of spiritual affairs died and went to hell.  And he was much missed on earth by his old friends.  His business agent went down to the gates of hell to see if there was any chance of bringing him back.  But though he pleaded for the gates to be opened, the iron bars never yielded.  His priest also went and argued:  “He was not really a bad fellow; given time he would have matured. Let him out, please!  The gates remained stubbornly shut against all their voices.  Finally, his mother came; she did not beg for his release.  Quietly, and with a strange catch in her voice, she said to Satan:  “Let me in.”  Immediately the great doors swung open upon their hinges.  For love goes down through the gates of hell and there redeems the dead.” 

The incredible graciousness, power, and mercy that came into our world in Jesus is still, at least potentially so, in our world in us, the Body of Christ.  What Jesus did we too can do; in fact, that is precisely what we are asked to do as Christians.  We are called to enter the world of another; to enter their pain and suffering.  We are to be a reminder that are goodness far out weights our brokenness.  That we are much more than our sinfulness.  We are made in the image and likeness of God, and we are Good!

To my heterosexual brothers and sisters, are you willing to enter the world of another; perhaps your gay child, friend, or sibling?  Did you know that gay youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other young people?  Why is this?  It's because gay youth face physical and verbal abuse, rejection and isolation from family and peers.  As a result of these pressures, lesbian and gay youth are also more vulnerable than other youth to psychosocial problems including substance abuse, chronic depression, school failure, early relationship conflicts, being forced to leave their families, and having to survive on their own prematurely.

The root of the problem of gay youth suicide is a society that discriminates against and stigmatizes homosexuals while failing to recognize that a substantial number of its youth has a gay or lesbian orientation.  This is our challenge as homosexual and heterosexual Catholic Christians.  We are called to bring an end to discrimination and the stigmatization of gay men and women or our children will continue to suffer.  How are we called to do this? 

First, each of us need to take personal responsibility for revising homophobic attitudes and conduct, especially around our children. Families will need to become educated about the development and nature of homosexuality. Schools will need to include information about homosexuality in their curriculum and protect gay youth from abuse by peers to ensure they receive an equal education. Helping professionals will need to accept and support a homosexual orientation in youth. Social services will need to be developed that are sensitive to and reflective of the needs of gay and lesbian youth.  Lastly, legislation should guarantee homosexual equal rights in our society. 

All of these changes will not take place unless we as Catholic Christians are willing to enter the world of another, and like Christ bring the Good News of God's love.  If we fail our children will continue to suffer.

Peace and all good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

For more information on suicidal behavior amongst LGBT youth download the following Fact Sheet called:  American Association of Suicidology - Suicidal Behavior Amongst LGBT Youth.

Personal Reflection:
Who entered your "world" and helped you discover your goodness?  How did you feel?  Feel free to share your story in the comment spaces below.