Splitting to Avoid Shame

"Stop, I need you to learn to accept a compliment," she said to me.  All I could think of was, "If you really knew me, you would not compliment me."  As a gay child I learned to live my life in two parts.  One part was the acceptable, public self.  The other part was the secretive, darker self.  This process is called splitting.  One learns at an early age to split to protect oneself from the ravages of shame and the harm from potential physical and emotional abuse. 

Although splitting allows you to avoid shame, it also eventually undermines your relationships with others.  You are never what you appear to be, and over time, others begin to sense this.  Trust erodes from your relationships with lovers, friends, and family.  True pain lies not in being marginalized, but from the pain of the loneliness splitting causes.

Currently in the news is the Boy Scouts of America's struggle over allowing openly gay scouts to participate in its programs.  This is a prime example of how splitting begins.  You are a young boy who becomes aware of your differentness.  Soon you become aware that your differentness is being debated in society and within the ranks of the Boy Scouts of America. 

Little do they know, they are also talking about you.  You read in the news that the Family Research Council opposes lifting the ban on gay youth, saying such a change "will dramatically alter the culture and moral landscape of America." 

There you sit, a young boy afraid and scared because of who you are is despised by so many.  So much so that its dividing the nation.  And one very small boy internalizes the message, "Who you are is unlovable."  Then this message gets reinforced by churches and other youth serving organizations. 

Is it no wonder that a gay man learns to live his life in two parts?   

Then begins the parade of lies.  You lie to your friends when they ask you if you are queer.  You lie to your girlfriends; whom you date to prove to yourself you are straight.  You lie to your parents about who you are dating and what your life is really like.  You lie to your employers and fellow co-workers when they ask you what you did this weekend.  You lie to your doctors, your priests, your neighbors.  Slowly you loose your innocence and your ability to trust another person.  After all, if you aren't what you seem, is anyone else? 

The gay community knows all to well where this path leads; depression, anxiety, and loneliness.  The only way to lessen the violence of splitting, is to stop hiding your sexuality.  In order to this we must face our negative core belief we might have internalized.  We must acknowledge that we might have long held a belief in our own reprehension, and this belief has directed our life, and not for the better.  We must have the courage to stand before it and allow its power over us to diminish.  The path to redemption is honesty.

To my heterosexual brothers and sisters be aware that your children and friend's children are listening to your words in this debate.  And one very scared boy who is just begin to realize his differentness is internalizing a message about himself based on your words.

This is why some of the most courage's men and women you will ever meet are LGBT.  They call forth courage most people will never know, and step into the light of who they are, for all to see.  They live in integrity and do it for the next generation of LGBTQ youth, so they will know they are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image and likeness of God and they are Good!  An example of outstanding courage and character that the Boy Scouts of America should strive to build in all its youth.

Peace and all good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

Personal Reflection:
Did you ever hide your sexuality from others (co-workers, parents, friends, etc...)?  How did you feel?  Feel free to share your story in the comment spaces below.