Loving and Living in Denial

"My dream for us was to get married," she said with tears in her eyes. In that moment I was faced with the reality of what living in denial of one's sexuality brings; unbearable pain, suffering, and shame for what I had done. A debilitating depression would soon follow in the weeks to come. Shortly afterwards, I would lose my job; unable to work. These were dark times, but marked the beginning of a conviction that my life needed to change.


"We loved backpacking, hiking and the great outdoors."

Our relationship started as friends. We enjoyed each others company. Shared similar interest. We loved backpacking, hiking, and the great outdoors. We traveled to Alaska and spent two weeks backpacking and kayaking. Our last few days were spent bar hopping, while I wore my favorite T-shirt sharing God's love with others, "Beer is proof, that God loves us, and wants us to be happy! - Benjamin Franklin."

I still recall spending the night in a forest service cabin with her and another friend. I read in the cabin journal to be cautious of the bears, but the real threat were mice.  They were right.  While I  slept I felt the tiny paws of mice all around me.

That is what made this situation so hard. Realizing that the person you loved, was betrayed, and harmed at your hands. Now not only are you dealing with the shame of being gay, but also the shame of hurting someone you care about.  In simply acting as if I weren't gay, I believed maybe I wasn't. I hoped somehow that the dating process would uncover my heterosexuality. I like other gay men learned, it does not. It only brings more confusion and pain.

I felt alone and scared.  I had no one to turn to for help.  In a place of darkness I looked to books of therapist that offered hope in repairing my sexuality.  These books only brought more self-loathing. 

In the end, It would be my mother that would bring comfort, warmth and love to my darkness.  "Your father and I have been talking,  and we feel your struggles with depression stem from the fact that you are gay.  We want you to know, we love you and accept you for who you are."  In that moment life seemed a little brighter.

Peace and all Good,
Brother Sun and Sister Moon

Download the document: Just the Facts about Sexual Orientation and Youth for more information on the damage caused by Gay Reparative Therapies and Ex-Gay Ministries. 

Personal Reflection:
How did you play it "straight" when you were living in denial of your sexuality?  How did you feel?  Feel free to share your story in the comment spaces below.